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My New Heart

By on February 4, 2015

As we embrace this new year and let go of the former we make resolutions in our mind or on paper; for those who are truly bold. This age old tradition of the New Year’s resolution has always given us great satisfaction. The satisfaction does not come from hopes that we can be bigger and better than who we were but it is because we have the choice to do so. However what do you do when your new beginning is not voluntary? I am here to convey such an experience. I am in no way claiming to be an expert on this topic. I merely would like to share my ups and downs of starting over and hope to have someone benefit from it even if it’s only me.

They say that the most life altering events to happen to a person are marriage, having a baby, losing a loved one, and divorce. Within a 3 year span 3 of these 4 events occurred in my life. I got married, had a baby, and got a divorce; at which if you ask me is very similar to losing a loved one. Like other little girls I always dreamed of being married. The thought of having a partner and friend for life that would stick with you until the end gave me great joy. I can’t say that the marriages that I was privilege to encounter were outright perfect but one thing I did learn was that the vow till death do us part was a promise to never be broken.

At first my marriage started off great and I felt that I was in love and found my happily ever after. Within the first 3 months we both were blessed with new jobs that were going to allow us to gross together about $60,000/year. We were saving and pushing towards living the American dream. However things quickly changed from the American dream to an American tragedy when 3 months after our I do’s he abruptly quits his job to be a ministry intern and I later learn that I am pregnant with our first child.

Within a few months my whole life had turned upside down. Needless to say my happily ever after didn’t seem so happy and at this point we started to have some issues. Our income was divided in half but another person was being added to the household. With all my years of teaching algebra this was a math problem I had no solution for. I no longer felt security and stability that I always longed for in a spouse because now I had the financial burden on my shoulders. I didn’t know how to take it because this was not how I saw my life while I was single waiting to be married. I was afraid and forgot about the faith that God had instilled in me and started to blame and complain instead of do what got me through all of the other times when fear and adversity plagued my life and that is pray.

We attempted to make the marriage work but at the same time we were tearing it and each other down. By this point we now had our daughter, I had become a stay at home mom after being laid off and we had moved to another state so that he could finish school. This put even more stress into our now hanging on by a thread marriage. As a final attempt of desperation to gain some relief I suggested that we separate in order to give each other some space to think. This of course backfired and instead of thinking about how we could make it work he decided to take this opportunity to think of how to make the separation permanent. This decision brought no relief to me but instead brought total devastation. Regardless of him attempting to convince me that this was the best decision for both of us, for me there was no silver lining to be found. Despite what we went through I truly loved him and felt that regardless of what we went through we would always be together because that was the stock that I was raised from.

I went through months of agony and battled with every negative emotion I thought known to man; embarrassment, anger, desperation, sadness, depression, angst, hopelessness, inferiority, worthlessness, and the list goes on. The mental, emotional, and physical pain of this was taking its toll on my life. I didn’t know what I was going to do because this was not in my life plan. How would I move on from this and start over being a divorced mother in her 30’s with no job? The questions and challenges kept coming and I did not have an answer or solution to any of them because I never was prepared to be in this position when I decided to put on that pretty white dress and take those vows. My hand had been dealt with our without my permission and this game of starting over was going to begin with our without my permission. It all came down to how I would play my hand so that I could come out a winner.

My start was very rough in the beginning and I couldn’t figure out if I was coming or going at times. To get through this situation I found that I had to first and foremost find my voice again and begin to share my thoughts and feelings about what was going in my life. Keeping my feelings in was just eating away at me and making this hard transition even more strenuous. Through prayer, counseling, and confiding in loved ones the pain I felt helped to relieve some of the pressure and slowly a small glimmer of hope started to appear before me. Even though I had opened up the lines of communication again, I still felt the heaviness of the situation. It was time for me to venture onto the hard road of taking responsibility and forgiveness. I had to own my faults and take responsibility of my role in this situation so that I would not find myself in this place again. Most importantly I had to ask for forgiveness from God and follow it up with forgiving my ex-husband and asking him to forgive me for what transpired.

By the grace and favor of God he allowed me to start over. I believe whole heartedly that the toughest part of my journey is over but I know I still have a ways to go. I fight everyday to keep letting go and allowing the past to stay in the past. I now see trying to do maintenance and renovation on a failing family structure would not have worked for me. God has put me in a position to where I am able to see what I thought I needed was only what I wanted. After the dust settled and the smoke cleared everything was brought back into perspective and I remembered that what I really needed was Him. In keeping this mindset it allows me to serve his purpose with determination.

This journey of starting over has given me hope, peace, and most importantly stronger faith. So I say this in closing, unless you are some sort of anomaly and do everything perfectly the first time you will have to start over at some point in your life. It could be in the area of ministry, education, career, a business, or relationship. God has given you the ability to rebuild what failed or regain what has been lost. With each new day he gives me I make it a day to thank him for removing the old so that I could start anew.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new (2 Corinthians 5:17)

By Kellie Green

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  1. Laketa

    February 5, 2015 at 10:26 am

    Kellie Green,
    I have experience in all four life-altering areas that you named, and one thing I know how to do is to Start Over. You have blessed me beyond what I can express by you candor, transparency, and above all, your new found liberty. I wish and pray that you continue on to enjoy the beauty of your new life and support you even as you heal from the pain of the passing of your marriage(cause you’re right, divorce feels like a death). I love you and thank you for encouraging me as I start over in a few areas.

    God Bless You Always,

  2. Ketsia Beaubrun

    February 5, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    wow!! What a blessing and on time word to read. Thank you for sharing your process with us. So helpful to me right now!

  3. Raniesha

    February 6, 2015 at 7:55 am

    The testimony of a champion!

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